All about a handshake

My problem with handshakes started about ten years ago. I had learned, I think during my college days in Trichy, Tamil Nadu, that when two people meet, it is the senior person (by age or position) who has to offer the hand first. A student, for example, should not extend a hand to his/her teacher as part of a greeting. While the practice is almost natural for me when meeting someone, three instances related to this have taught me something.

Episode 1: I was in University Putra Malaysia (UPM) to lead a TCI Workshop. On arriving the campus I was introduced to a young lady in the admin department. She was wearing a loose flowing dress which covered her head and shoulders down to her arms and appeared warm and hospitable.

Considering it a basic courtesy while meeting a new person, I offered my hand, forgetful of the fact that Malaysia is predominantly a Muslim country. She did offer her hand in return, but to my shock, it was sheathed in her flowing dress! 

I learned a painful lesson.

Episode 2: This happened in Maldives. At the end of a TCI workshop there was a ceremony to give away certificates. The chief guest was Principal of one of the leading schools in Malé, the country’s capital. He gave certificates to each of the participants with a word of appreciation and a handshake.

When it came to one of the lady participants who looked as young as a school student, she responded: “I don’t shake my hand sir.”  

I was only a witness then. My Malaysian pain subsided a little because it was my friend, a senior Muslim Principal, who got the shock this time!

Episode 3: The scene this time is in Calicut, Kerala, where I have done at least twenty workshops so far without any ‘shock’. 

But it did come, last week. A good friend of mine, an Assistant Professor at a college, came to pick me up from the hotel where I was accommodated. As soon as I entered his car, sitting on the front seat adjacent I greeted him, spontaneously offering my hand.

To my astonishment, he showed me his right wrist to receive my hand, holding his palm closed.

The old Malaysian pain returned. But my TCI awareness of chairpersonship got activated. “Should I ask him why he offered his wrist instead of hand?” The last time we met, he was generous enough to take my hand, and even receive a hug of appreciation. What happened this time? Is he under the Malaysian influence too?

Anyway, I looked inside (I had to ask), I looked outside (at the cultural context), then decided (fully aware that I am totally responsible for my actions) to ask. “Dear friend, what happened? Why didn’t you take my hand?”

Having gone through the previous experiences, I must have been expecting another disappointing answer, but what he said was an unexpected paradigm changer for me.

“Sorry sir. I am having an eye-disease called acute conjunctivitis. Doctor told me that the infection spreads through touch and I did not want to infect you.”

Goodness, gracious! What a relief, what a joy to hear this!

INSIGHT

I remembered Ruth Cohn’s auxiliary rule: “If you ask a question, say why you ask it and what that question means to you”. Similarly, if you do something like my good friend did, say why you did it, to avoid shock and pain that could hurt relationships.