My problem with handshakes started about ten years ago. I had
learned, I think during my college days in Trichy, Tamil Nadu, that when two
people meet, it is the senior person (by age or position) who has to offer the
hand first. A student, for example, should not extend a hand to his/her
teacher as part of a greeting. While the practice is almost natural for me when meeting someone, three instances related to this have taught me something.
Episode 1: I was in University Putra Malaysia (UPM) to lead
a TCI Workshop. On arriving the campus I was introduced to a young lady in the
admin department. She was
wearing a loose flowing dress which covered her head and shoulders down to her
arms and appeared warm and hospitable.
Considering it a basic courtesy while meeting a new person,
I offered my hand, forgetful of the fact that Malaysia is predominantly a
Muslim country. She did offer her hand in return, but to my shock, it was
sheathed in her flowing dress!
I learned a painful lesson.
Episode 2: This happened in Maldives. At the end of a TCI
workshop there was a ceremony to give away certificates. The chief guest was
Principal of one of the leading schools in Malé, the country’s capital. He gave
certificates to each of the participants with a word of appreciation and a handshake.
When it came to one of the lady participants who looked as
young as a school student, she responded: “I don’t shake my hand sir.”
I was only a witness then. My Malaysian pain subsided a
little because it was my friend, a senior Muslim Principal, who got the shock
this time!
Episode 3: The scene this time is in Calicut, Kerala, where I have
done at least twenty workshops so far without any ‘shock’.
But it did come,
last week. A good friend of mine, an Assistant Professor at a college, came to
pick me up from the hotel where I was accommodated. As soon as I entered his
car, sitting on the front seat adjacent I greeted him, spontaneously offering
my hand.
To my astonishment, he showed me his right wrist to receive
my hand, holding his palm closed.
The old Malaysian pain returned. But my TCI awareness of
chairpersonship got activated. “Should I ask him why he offered his wrist
instead of hand?” The last time we met, he was generous enough to take my hand,
and even receive a hug of appreciation. What happened this time? Is he under
the Malaysian influence too?
Anyway, I looked inside (I had to ask), I looked outside (at
the cultural context), then decided (fully aware that I am totally responsible
for my actions) to ask. “Dear friend, what happened? Why didn’t you take my
hand?”
Having gone through the previous experiences, I must have
been expecting another disappointing answer, but what he said was an unexpected
paradigm changer for me.
“Sorry sir. I am having an eye-disease called acute
conjunctivitis. Doctor told me that the infection spreads through touch and I
did not want to infect you.”
Goodness, gracious! What a relief, what a joy to hear this!
INSIGHT
I remembered Ruth Cohn’s auxiliary rule: “If you ask a
question, say why you ask it and what that question means to you”. Similarly,
if you do something like my good friend did, say why you did it, to avoid shock
and pain that could hurt relationships.
